Have you ever seen such a group of desperately sad people as those entered for this year's 'I'm A Talentless Twat, Get Me Out Of Here'? Well, apart from the people who watch it, of course. I thought last year's "celebrities" were bad; this year's make them look positively A-list...

Some gay policeman...er...correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't being a gay policeman mean that you are a policeman, who happens to be gay? Does it mean that, because he was once a top policeman who just happens to take it up the Gary Glitter, he automatically qualifies for celebrity status? I'm not sure that being a pillow-biting former flatfoot is an adequate criterion here.

Or maybe I'm wrong.

But there's plenty of company for him, whatever his fucking name is (because I can't remember), in some old bent actor off 'Star Trek'. That's the idea - put the two dinner-mashers together and see what happens. Add, for extra spice, a clam-noshing former tennis player in the shape of Martina Neveradherlegova, and there's plenty of eye candy for the gay community. No jokes, please, about how Martina should walk it because she's used to eating bush tucker. We'll have less of that.

Some famous "glamour model" in there, as per usual. What is a glamour model anyway? Years ago there was a name for such women: slut. Some huge-breasted (false) bint who's only claim to fame is that she rips off her clothes and shows her tits to anyone sad enough to stare and become aroused. That's a celebrity these days, as is being the wife (or girlfriend...WAG...clever, that) of some footballer. And not even a particularly famous or half-decent one, either...

"I'm perhaps best known for being a personal trainer..."

"I've never fucking heard of you."

"...and being the current bit of skirt on the arm of Joe Cole of Chelsea and England."

"Ahhh, now I know you. Thanks for that."

Robert Kilroy-Silk, former Labour MP and disgraced TV Presenter with an orange face and the scruples of a shark. The producers of 'I'm A Celebrity...' obviously looked at the bottom of the barrel and thought: It's either that or the short-arsed little bitch out of The Krankies. So they went with that - Mr Kilroy-Silk. The man is a bellend, and one of the highest pedigree. But it's okay, because there to keep him in check is Esther Rantzen.

All over the jungle there are creepy crawlies and poisonous things of the night, together with all the hitherto inedible creatures, dreading the prospect of Ms Rantzen being chosen to set those gnashers to work in the "Bush Tucker Challenge"...

"And the person chosen by you, the British public, to eat all them nasty things is...Esther!"

Cue every wichety grub from Melbourne to Alice Springs burrowing for cover at the thought of Esther's considerable fangs and molars setting to work on their sorry hides.

As usual there's the ubiquitous actor (or former version thereof) from 'Eastenders' or some other carbolic TV shit. This year we have some whining little Cockney runt who keeps asking questions and coming out (ha!) with wonderfully obvious remarks about the three gay mambers of the team...

"So, what was it like being a bent copper. Er...I mean, you know, not a bent copper as in one who takes back-handers and hides valuable evidence or plants drugs on unsuspecting black people; I mean like a bent copper. A bummer. And you, Martina, did you ever blimp Chris Evert's tits and fanny when you were playing together or try to finger Virginia Wade?"

Talking of black people, there's only one of them this year - some dumb spade from a fucking boyband who are shit these days (or should I say "more shit") and not as popular as they were. He's there to roll his eyes and look all flummoxed as the white folk around him order him about and tell him he'd better get some decent food or it's a rope over a tree for you, Sambo!

Who else have we got? Dani Behr. A name from the past there, though I'm fucked if I can recall what she ever actually did. Wasn't she a TV presenter about ten or fifteen years ago? Or am I thinking of Mariella Frostrup?

I can hardly wait for the next two weeks in the jungle to unfold.